On Becoming What You Once Dreaded

Table of Contents

How age, survival and real life change your standards.

There are things we grow up saying with confidence: It can never be me. We say it with a straight face, with moral certainty, sometimes with judgment. Then life happens, age happens, bills happen, pressure happens and slowly, without noticing, it is becoming us.

Growing older teaches you something uncomfortable: given the right circumstances, anyone can do anything. The same person who swore they could never betray their values may bend them when survival is involved. The person who thought they were too strong to fear love may learn fear from heartbreak. And the one who judged others for their choices may one day find themselves making the same choices, just for different reasons.

One area I’ve seen this clearly is in dating and marriage expectations among women today. There is a strong, growing belief that a man must be financially secure to even be considered a relationship prospect. Notice I didn’t mention emotional maturity, spirituality, psychological stability or moral values because, let’s be honest, nobody is ranking those above money right now. The first screening question is simple: Can he provide?

This mindset didn’t come from nowhere. For many women, it is survival. For others, it is caution. For some, it is a response to generational patterns and reality checks.

Different women have different reasons, and if you listen closely, none of them are entirely baseless.

1. If men have standards, women can too

Many men openly admit they don’t want a partner who isn’t attractive, well-groomed, fit, or presentable. So women ask themselves: If a man won’t settle for someone he doesn’t find desirable, why should I settle for someone who can’t provide stability?  And if a man can openly ask for sex without shame, then a woman should be able to ask to be cared for without being labeled a sl*t or a prostitute. There’s nothing unreasonable about wanting your needs met

2. Some women are tired of being the support system

Many have stories of building with a man from scratch only for the man to “level up” and leave for the type of woman he always wanted once he could afford her. Whether everyone has this experience or not, enough have lived it for the fear to spread. This is not an attack on women who choose to build with a man. Do whatever works for you. Some men are stable, reasonable, and worth building with, and those relationships grow into real partnership and fulfilment.

But for many women, life is heavy. They’re supporting family, trying to build their careers, and trying to create stability for themselves. When a relationship adds strain instead of support emotional, mental, or financial it stops feeling like partnership and starts feeling imbalanced. Love can’t sit well when one person is constantly pouring from a reserve that never gets replenished

3. Some women simply cannot afford to love with an empty pocket

Some women genuinely can’t love from an empty place. Some women have already done the work of building something sustainable for themselves, or are still in the process. They just cannot afford to enter a relationship that adds pressure instead of stability. Not for vanity, but for the convenience and freedom it brings.

They need a partnership that supports where they are in life, not one that drains them. That doesn’t mean money replaces connection or emotional support. It just means their reality demands balance, contribution, and shared responsibility.

4. Dating has always being transactional

Whether people admit it or not, dating today often looks like: What do you bring to the table?, What does he offer?Who gains what?

Love, friendship, dating, marriage these have always involved exchange. Time, care, protection, resources, peace, emotional presence… there has always been give and take. The difference is that today people are saying it out loud.
As women raise their standards financially and emotionally, men are adjusting too. Many young men now believe that once they get money, they can get any woman. Some stop working on emotional intelligence, leadership, empathy, or character because the market tells them money alone is enough

5. Other values are easily forgotten

Qualities that truly matter in marriage integrity, wisdom, humility, emotional stability, kindness, shared purpose have become afterthoughts. People want them, but they don’t lead with them. The first question is now:
“Does he have money?”

If the answer is no, many won’t stay long enough to ask the next question.

I used to see this mindset and think, I could never become that woman. I used to believe love should come before bank alerts. I rated emotional connection, intellectual match, and shared vision more than wallet size. ( in theory i still do)

But life humbled me.

I entered a season where financially, I was struggling. Yes, I was working hard and building—but building takes time. And suddenly, the idea of a financially stable man didn’t look superficial. It looked practical. It looked helpful. It looked like relief. 

 I started asking: Is this who I’m becoming? Has survival mode turned me into the same type of woman I once judged? Am I now prioritizing money over everything else? If this season ends, will my standards shift again?

And the scariest realization was that I didn’t wake up one morning and change.

It happened gradually, quietly, logically and honestly, understandably.

Just like many women I once didn’t fully understand.

Most of us are shaped by circumstance, not theory.
Values sound strong until life tests them.
Conviction looks clear until experience complicates it.

Some people choose money because they are tired.
Some choose love and end up exhausted.
Some balance both and pray they don’t regret it.

But i am learning that

• Nobody is above becoming the thing they once criticized

• Life can change your standards without asking for permission

• Practical needs can override romantic ideals

• People are doing their best with what they have

Maybe the issue isn’t that women want financial security. Maybe the real question is:

Will this mindset still make sense when circumstances change?

Because if your standards only make sense in your struggle, they may not be your true values they are your coping mechanism for now.

And that’s not judgment. It’s just something worth thinking about.

Maybe the real maturity is admitting:

“I understand why I am the way I am right now. But I also understand I may not stay this way forever.”

Because that’s adulthood becoming, un-becoming, and sometimes becoming the very thing you once said you wouldn’t.